“Prayers?” my daughter asks, looking up at me in her jammies with
her hands folded. “Yes, prayers. Let’s say our nite nite prayers. How could Mommy forget?” I tell her. She gets
into her bed and we fold our hands together to say the same three prayers I
have said with her every night for her bedtime since she was born. How could I be so busy that I would forget?
Before I had my daughter, I had life all mapped out in my
head. In my head, after she was born,
once a month I would update her scrapbook.
Once a week we would visit the library, a museum or nature center, and
attend a cultural event, as well as church services. Every day we would work together on her
literacy, math and life skills. The
house would magically be clean and presentable for company at any hour of any
day, with the laundry done and dishes finished.
Every night I’d cook a great, healthy balanced meal for dinner. Of course I’d have time to keep up on my
school work, go for a run everyday, and still have time for friends, family and
regular errands like grocery shopping, too.
Then she arrived. None
of these things have come to be as easily as I thought they would. She has always been (and always will be) my
first priority. Especially in the time
just after she was born, I quickly realized that after taking care of her needs
my daily to do list was often left mostly untouched.
Hours turned to days turned to weeks turned to months. I felt like I blinked and it was time to plan
her first birthday party, blinked again and she was two. Now that she is bigger she can hold her own
drink, eat her own food, and tell me if she needs to go to the potty. While she is very independent, she still
needs my help and constant supervision. Some moms are able to stay up all night to work while their children sleep, but I decided
early on in this journey that I can’t forgo sleep. It makes me grouchy and not at my best. I want and need to be at my best for
her. I've recently decided that I need
to start running and eating healthy again.
It means less time for attention to her and less time for my to do list,
but it’s not only for me, it’s for her, so I can be the best me that I can be. She hasn't ever been good at taking regular, scheduled
naps or night time sleeps. So some days
my to do list for that day still goes unfinished.
I am learning to balance.
To steal moments here and there.
To break my to do list into even smaller steps of tasks. To celebrate accomplishments. To be satisfied to get done what I can. To forgive myself if I can’t get it all done
every day.
I still feel a lot of pressure to accomplish everything I wish
I could, which is more than I am able to do some days. I am very conscientious of the fact that my daughter is only going to be this age once,
and I will never get another opportunity to live these moments with her
now. So I give my time and attention to
the things that I absolutely must. But
if I am doing the dishes and a favorite song comes on, they are going to have
to wait while we have a dance party in the kitchen. If I’m typing a report and she’s waiting to
hug me with her arms stretched out wide, it’s just going to have to be a few minutes
late so we can enjoy a big hug. And even
if I am preoccupied trying to squeeze in a few more things to finish before bed,
we will always make time to say our nite nite prayers, grateful for these
moments we have.
I'm learning to accept that it's ok to not be SuperMom, and to just do everything I can to be her super mom.
